The Baby That Almost Was

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I'm not sure how to blog about this. I actually don't really want to--an unusual feeling for me. But it's part of our family history and so I suppose I should document it somewhere--and it's just so much easier for me to record things here than to actually take a PEN and write things out by HAND in my journal. (I'm so ashamed that I've become too impatient for that sort of thing.) Besides, I have all of these pictures that I took and although I initially just wanted to delete them all, Bethany and James asked me not to. So what to do with the pictures if I don't blog? And so many people have been concerned, so I thought I'd lay out the whole story once and for all. People have been so loving and so kind; I think an explanation is warranted for all who have cared so much.

Anyway, here it is (and I'm going to protect the birth mom's identity by calling her "C"). During the very last week of September, we started corresponding with "C," who was considering placing her baby son (due Nov. 1) for adoption. She had a lot of questions for us, which we answered very candidly and honestly. After writing back and forth a few times, C wanted to meet us. So we arranged a time to meet at the Logan LDS Family Services, along with her caseworker and her dad. Here is a picture of the gift basket we brought with us to that meeting:



We had heard she'd had a hard time sleeping, so we put a bunch of Bath and Body Works Aromatherapy stuff in there, along with a relaxation CD and bags of my (very yummy!) homemade chocolate chip cookies. At the meeting, C told us that she had chosen us to adopt her son. It was a good meeting--emotional in a good way. We all posed for pictures (but I won't post them here).

Anyway, after that meeting we continued to correspond and then in mid-October, C invited us to the ultrasound at the doctor's office. It was really fun to see the baby--he had chunky cheeks and was so cute! They did a 3D ultrasound. After that appointment, we had C and her dad over to our house for dinner. That's when they met Bethany for the first time. (Again, we have pictures but I won't post them.)

On October 18, James, Bethany and I drove to Pocatello to pick up C. She was living in Idaho Falls but her doctor was in Logan, so she didn't want to be that far away. (Also, it would have been more convenient for us for the baby to be born in Utah.)So C's dad drove her from Idaho Falls to Pocatello and we met her there. After hitting a restaurant for some grub, we made our way back to Logan. My parents had graciously offered their basement to C--my parents live around the corner from us--which was nice, because our basement isn't finished and one of the rules of hosting a birth mom is that she be provided her own bedroom and bathroom. So at my parents' house, she had her own basement, which worked out really well. We got her all settled in at my parents' house; prior to her coming, we had put flowers in her room to welcome her to "her" room. She seemed to appreciate that.

Over the next two-and-a-half weeks, we did lots of stuff with C and got to know her better. We saw her every day. I took her to two more doctor's appointments (I got to hear the baby's heartbeat both times--that's always such a miracle), I attended "group" with her at LDS Family Services, which was a lot of fun, we took her with us to the Pumpkin Walk (AND because of her condition, we got to drive around in a cart) and we shared lots of meals and talks and Jamba Juices. My mother was particularly attentive to C and they had many long talks. My father helped give her several blessings, as well. I can never thank my parents enough for all they did--throwing their house and arms wide open that way. We won't ever forget it!

The last week of October, my Grandpa Higham died. (I'll blog about that in another post--he deserves more than a brief mention here.) This meant, of course, that we needed to go travel to Gunnison (it's 200 miles away)to attend the viewing and funeral. So because we had to leave C here, her dad came down and took residence in the second bedroom my parents have in their basement. So he took care of her while we were away--although we did call her every day to check on her.

C was scheduled to be induced in the early morning hours of Nov. 1. So after trick-or-treating on Halloween, we all went to bed with great anticipation of what the next day would bring. (Oh, and I should mention that C's sister came on October 30 to be with C during that week. She was really great.) Anyway, at 6:00 a.m. on Nov. 1st, C's sister texted us to let us know that they were inducing C. That whole day, we sort of just "popped" in and out of the hospital. It was difficult knowing what our roles should be--we wanted to give her her space and respect her privacy, yet we also wanted her to know that we cared about her. I think we hit the right balance there.

Here we are in the labor room during a brief visit that day:



The labor turned out to be very difficult and long. At times, we were in the waiting room with C's dad, who kept us entertained by telling us lots of stories from his very exciting life. (I'm not being sarcastic--they really were great stories.)But by late that night, C still hadn't delivered and wouldn't for many hours. So C's sister sent us all home.

The next morning at 5:00 a.m., on Nov. 2, we were awakened by a text saying that the baby would be coming by C-section (no pun intended, ha ha!)and we were welcome to come to the hospital. So we called Annie (thank you, Annie!) to come and be here with Bethany and James and I got ready and headed to the hospital. Once there, we waited and waited and waited and waited. Finally, around 6:30 or so, C's sister came and got C's dad to take him back to the recovery area. (I believe he was going to bathe the baby.) C's sister had us go to C's labor room to pack all of their things. Once we accomplished that, we just hung around for a really long time. Around 9:00 or so, C's sister came and got us. We helped her haul all of their stuff up to C's recovery room and that's when we got to see the baby:



As you can see, he's very cute. We named him Zachary James Lyman. Here he is, enjoying his bath:



After leaving the hospital, we drove (with C's dad) to the florist to get some flowers for C:



And then we went home. We had told C that we weren't going to come back to the hospital unless she invited us--we respected that this was her "sacred time" with the baby. So we just went back to our day; James went back to work, I did my thing at home. Later that evening (around 8:00) C's sister texted us again. She said that C's brother and his family were there visiting and they wanted to meet us. So we took Bethany to the hospital and that's when Bethany got to see the baby:

Again, we took tons of photos but most of them have C in them, so I won't post. Anyway, that night C's brother, her dad, and James gave C a blessing. It was all very spiritual and good--C's brother was the voice and the blessing was beautiful. They also gave Zachary a blessing. Then we all hugged and exchanged contact info and went home.

The next day, around noon, I got a call from C's caseworker, Sandy. Sandy told me that C was having some serious doubts and was confused--struggling with her decision to place Zachary with us. Sandy told me that it "wasn't over yet" and to pray for C. As soon as I got that phone call, though, I knew it was over. I called James at work to let him know, then I pulled Bethany aside and broke the news to her that Zachary might not be coming home with us after all. That was a pretty hard moment. Bethany started to cry and she said, "But we got his room all ready!" and then "But he's so cute!" I wish we hadn't taken her to see him. But we really felt confident in C's decision to place him with us--she reassured us many times that she wouldn't change her mind. (I'm not trying to paint her as a "bad guy," just explaining why we felt confident. I know it was a tough decision for her.) Anyway, Bethany and I had a good cry together and a prayer, and we felt better after that.

Which begs the question: when do you tell your kids if you're planning to adopt again? I felt that involving Bethany was the right thing--I mean, you can't just "spring" a last-minute baby on Bethany. She likes time to adjust to change. Grrrr. I hate seeing my little girl get hurt. But you know, she bounced back really quickly. I'm so thankful! And at this point, we didn't know for sure which way C would go. It could go either way. But deep down, I knew that if she was having doubts, she wouldn't place. So we immediately started detaching ourselves emotionally, in preparation for her to change her mind.

The next day, Friday, November 4, Sandy called me again to tell me that C had decided to parent. So that was it. It was her decision and we respect that. So we then began the process of putting things back to our "pre-C" life; we took a trip to Target to return the crib set, the swing, and the other multitudes of things we had purchased--a whole car load. (Taking down a nursery is never as fun as setting one up.) We started the wheels going with LDS Family Services to refund our adoption money and pass-through funds money. We started the daunting task of returning everyone's baby gifts that people had been dropping by for the past two weeks. And slowly but surely, everything is now back to "normal" (apart from a box of diapers I still need to return).

Strangely, we're doing all right emotionally. Even taking down the nursery--it all felt very surreal and mechanical. One of the good things that came from this experience was the outpouring of love we received from our family and friends. Honestly, I had no idea that many people cared about us. It made me hopeful that maybe folks would come to my funeral someday! :0) We just felt (and still feel) SO overwhelmed by love and concern and prayers . . .we haven't really felt a lot of grief. We've said all along that we want the RIGHT baby for our family and we still feel hopeful that Heavenly Father will send us the right one at the right time. And if not, it's okay. We love our family just the way it is. For so many years, a baby was my "golden ticket." http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/forget-me-not?lang=eng But having a baby isn't my "golden ticket" anymore. We've just learned to be happy anyway, even when things fall through. Don't think we're "strong" or "awesome" because we're not. It makes me feel uncomfortable when people say we have an amazing attitude. The truth is, we're just used to this particular trial so we've learned how to cope and deal with it and be happy come what may. But throw me another trial and I'd probably fall apart completely! I guess it's kind of pathetic to say this, but we've just had practice with disappointment in this area.

And Bethany is doing great. Just this morning, one of her little friends was over and I got to eavesdrop while Bethany explained to her friend what had happened--and why the nursery wasn't a nursery anymore but instead was her playroom again. It did my heart good to hear Bethany explain things. She told her friend that C had had "too hard of a time saying goodbye to Zachary," and she decided "not to place him in our family after all." But then Bethany said, "But we feel very peaceful about things."

And that pretty much sums it up. Thank you so much, everyone, for the love, support and prayers. We're so very grateful! We love you!